


I Will Make You Believe

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Literally all of this is metaphorical, M/M, Sad Ending, Songfic, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, implied eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-05-28
Packaged: 2018-07-10 18:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6998779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler's world is black and grey, cold and dark. Josh tries to cheer him up, make him see the good things in life again and sometimes that works out quite well. Sometimes it doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Make You Believe

**Author's Note:**

> Due to communication problems with my beta (aka my phone fucking up) this is completely unbeta'd. Sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Also, if you're easily triggered by one of the following don't read on:  
> * Eating Disorders  
> * Physical Abuse  
> * Depression  
> * Self Harm  
> * Suicide  
> You have been warned.

Some days were better than others. Most were worse. Some where just simple nothingness, washed away by the rain that was steadily pounding against the small bedroom window. They were dark hours spent in small rooms under thick blankets with only the creaking of the wooden tiles accompanying the sound of rain and darkness. Those days were bad. There were dark clouds hanging in the sky every time he'd look outside, lightning illuminating the world before he could move back under the blanket. Thunder rolling over the landscape in a futile attempt to catch up with the bright light blinding his eyes. Hidden away under the heavy blanket there was no lightning, only thunder, dark and frightening, tempting him to crawl down even further. What a fraud the name Sunday was.

  
“You look tired,” Josh greeted Tyler on his doorstep, where he'd wait every morning for the other to get ready so they could walk to school together.  
“Didn't sleep well,” Tyler mumbled as he tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes. The thunderstorm had went on through the night and there were still remnants of the dark clouds hanging in the sky.  
They walked to school in silence, Tyler's hand sneaking its way into Josh’s when the sky seemed to get darker around him again.

  
The sky cleared up during first period and Tyler felt like he could breathe again. The huge weight that had pressed down on his chest and suffocated him was gone for now. Josh looked over at him as the first beam of light shone on Tyler's smiling face and quickly squeezed his hand under the table.

  
Tyler hated the lessons he had without Josh by his side. They seemed darker and slower, like the world was stuffed with grey cotton, all movements slowing down to a minimum. It had started to rain again, a slight drizzle making the windows and Tyler's cheeks equally wet.

  
After school had ended, the rain had too and Tyler was with Josh again. They walked home hand in hand and Tyler wouldn't tell his best friend of the slip of paper he'd found in his locker that was currently in his jeans pocket. _You say things with your mouth, cobwebs and flies come out._ He didn't exactly know what to make of it.

  
The rain didn't come again, but the cotton did. Every light in his room turned on didn't stop the darkness creeping from the corners to his bed and onto his skin. All windows closed didn't stop the coldness from pouring through the cracks and under his blanket.

  
With the morning came the sun and with the sun came warmth spreading through Tyler's body as he took the first step outside. This day was a better one he decided when he saw Josh sitting on his doorstep.

  
This day was a quicker one, cotton getting less and less, more fluid, better to move in, lighter. The sun shone through the windows directly onto Tyler's face, warmth made it's way to his insides and light surrounded him that day. Josh was with him all through it.

  
On the way home the sun only seemed to get warmer, filling up Tyler's reserves as he walked faster than normally, all cotton gone. Josh smiled at him as Tyler began running and dragged his friend in the park with him. Josh laughed as he raced him through the trees and pushed him on the swing. Tyler laughed at Josh even after he'd fallen off the swing and he smiled even after they'd left the park.

  
The cotton came back after the punches had. The darkness tinging the side of his vision was upsetting Tyler, but he couldn't escape it. His blanket couldn't protect him this time and the windows were opened too far, all the coldness getting in. He couldn't stand up, but he didn't know if it was because he couldn't or because he couldn't bring himself to do it. The floor was cold and his blanket out of reach, the darkness was consuming all and Tyler slowly but surely fell asleep.

  
The next morning was cold again. Tyler wrapped his jacket around himself, but the only warmth he got was from Josh’s hand holding his own tightly. It was dark, but Josh’s smile seemed to light up everything around him, including Tyler's insides, a solid warmth settling in his stomach.

  
It didn't last long, the warmth. But at least the sun came out behind heavy clouds after an hour, lighting up the old classroom with all it's might. Tyler's insides still felt cold as stone though. Josh wasn't with him.

  
Holding hands didn't help against the darkness surrounding Tyler from all sides, it didn't hold back the coldness creeping up his neck and the cotton, heavy as ever, covering Tyler's nose and mouth until he felt he had to suffocate. Hugging made the cold a bit warmer, the dark a bit lighter, it made the cotton leave Tyler's throat. They walked in silence, Josh’s hand gripping Tyler's too hard and Tyler's world entirely too dark. He wouldn't tell Josh about the note he'd found in his locker that day. _I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow._ It made him feel like he was lying.

  
All lights on, the windows closed, Tyler felt safe. His blanket was warm, the room was bright, his father was out. The cotton was still there, but lighter. He could move, he could breathe, he couldn't laugh, but he could try at least. He didn't choke, he only hiccupped. He didn't cry, he only sobbed.

  
The rain pounded against the door, every drop making Tyler want to flee back up the stairs, back under his blanket. But he went out either way, because he knew Josh was waiting for him with an umbrella big enough for the both of them. They walked to school, Josh’s hand cupping Tyler's holding the umbrella and suddenly the rain didn't feel so bad anymore. The sky seemed brighter and the air warmer. Tyler's heart seemed lighter when Josh walked next to him.

  
The sky cleared up slowly but surely and the cotton drifted to the edge of Tyler's perception. The darkness was gone and the warmth was there with him. For once even the school food seemed edible and Tyler couldn't help but be proud of himself when he ate up everything, especially when Josh beamed at him widely.

  
The walk home seemed shorter that day and Josh’s hand seemed warmer than normal. Tyler was floating on a cloud only he could see and maybe Josh, but he may only have been smiling because Tyler was. The piece of paper in his pocket read _Luckily I can read your mind, flies and cobwebs unwind._ He didn't mind that he didn't understand this time.

  
Someone understood Tyler without talking. Someone knew why he was acting the way he did, even if he himself didn't sometimes. At least one person could see through his shell, even if no one else did. Even if his parents didn't. His father tried to break through it with force, but Tyler knew there was someone who understood, someone who didn't mind.

  
Thankfully there was no rain the next day, no coldness engulfing Tyler, only the warm beams of the sun tickling his face as he walked to school hand in hand with Josh. Everything seemed light, everyone was happy, nothing was cold and there was no cotton. No one to hurt him, no one to beat him, to talk him down. Only Josh and his smile, only Josh with his colours in Tyler's grey world.

  
It had started drizzling in the afternoon. The pavement was wet and so was Tyler's hair. Josh’s jacket protected him from the cold and Josh’s smile from the darkness. The note in his paper kept the cotton away, but he wouldn't tell Josh that. _They will not take you down, they will not cast you out._ No they wouldn't. Josh wouldn't. It made him feel safe.

  
The weekend approached and so did the terribly large, awfully dark storm clouds. The blanket held out the cold, but kept in the dark and let through the sound of rain hitting the window and the growling thunder outside. There was no Josh there to hold Tyler's hand, no way of keeping away the dark thoughts that accompanied those dark days.

  
Everything was in shards, everything around Tyler had sharp edges, no cotton anywhere to keep him safe, to take his breath away agonizingly slow. Only frightening dark shards of Tyler's life, threatening to rip apart everything his world consisted of. He tried burying his face in his pillow to block out the shards, the thoughts, but they caught up with him too quickly. He had to take a breath, the sharp shards slitting up his throat, the blood gushing out of his mouth, the world spinning and falling.

  
The sun was out in the sky in the morning just like the day before, the day Tyler hadn't even noticed. Josh was waiting outside, smiling and bouncing on his feet. He held out his hand for Tyler to take it and together they made their way into the new day. Undefeatable and strong, Tyler walked down the road with his best friend always by his side.

  
It was a hot day and Tyler was dressed way to warmly, but he didn't mind. He was warm, the terrible coldness all gone from the world. The sun was standing high in the sky above him, no cloud to be seen. Josh was with him and there had been another slip of paper in his locker. _Dear friend here we are again, pretending to understand how you think the world is ending._ Someone tried to understand. And someone did, even if it wasn't his family.

  
No storm clouds in the sky, no thunder to drown out Tyler's cries in the dark of his bedroom. No lightning to make the tears on his face visible, no rain washing away this feeling of loneliness, this terrible void in his chest. Only darkness and the unavoidable cold around him. Someone cared, but no one was there. No one looked, no one stopped him, his mind only encouraging him to go further, further...

  
Everything hurt. Moving, walking, breathing. Living. Everything reminded him of the dark, the cold, the end of all things. Tyler felt like he would fly away any moment, away into endless space, only Josh’s hand was holding him back, keeping him on the ground. The cotton was replaced by shards again, the same ones that had dug into Tyler's arm last night, the ones cutting up his body and mind.

  
Josh helped him breathe, he held his hands and wiped away his tears. He held him upright with simple words, helped him through the day with encouragements and hugs. He was the only bright thing in Tyler's dark world, a splotch of colour in midst of black and grey.

  
Tyler thought of Josh, warmth and light in the darkest night. The cotton dissolved around him, turning into liquid, allowing him to move. But just like the cotton, the water made its way into Tyler's throat, the world turning black again, the darkness drowning out all colours, red turning grey and finally black. Gone.

  
Josh’s hand squeezed Tyler's too hard, but it was exactly what he needed. The pain came back and with it the colours and the warmth. The morning sun shone brightly over their heads and the leaves rustled in the wind. Everything was calm, no shards, no water, no cotton. Only Josh and his smile.

  
Tyler couldn't force the rain to stop, but he could make it not bother him anymore. He could focus on Josh’s hand in his and the note in his pocket. _Sending signals and red flags in waves, it's hard to tell the difference between blood and water these days._ Everything would be alright, the sun would come out behind the clouds again eventually. At least that's what Josh told him over and over again, hand squeezing his own.

  
Tyler’s stomach hurt, as did his arms, if for different reasons. He relished the stabbing pain on his skin, shooting up his arms in regular intervals. He hated the crippling pain in his abdomen, making it hard to breathe. Tyler flinched every time his stomach growled with hunger and he shouted out loud when he tried to stand up. The darkness crept towards him from all sides, swallowing his mind and then his consciousness.

  
The sun blinded Tyler and for once he wished for clouds to cover it up. His body hurt almost as much as his soul, the shards back from their lair again. He could feel his heart pumping blood through his body with every second, keeping him so awfully alive, so vulnerable. Today should be the last...

  
Josh gripped Tyler's hand as if he was afraid he'd fall off the edge of the world without the support. Or maybe he was afraid Tyler would lose balance, stumble and fall. They both knew he wouldn't get back up. So Josh squeezed Tyler's hand as hard as he dared, making sure he'd follow up, just like he made sure he'd get enough to eat. Tyler wouldn't tell him of the piece of paper he'd found in his locker that day, he couldn't anymore. _I'll pray that one day you'll see: the only difference between life and dying is one is trying, that's all we're gonna do. So try to love me and I'll try to save you._ Tyler would try. He'd stay alive, he'd be saved.

  
The notes were neatly lying on Tyler's bed, each one carefully straightened out and portraying their message in the best and simplest way they could. Tyler didn't cry that night. The darkness didn't come, even though all lights were turned off. He felt warm inside, sitting on his blanket and staring at the torn pieces of paper lying before him. Someone loved him, someone cared. Someone _loved him._

  
Rain pounded onto the asphalt, the sky was grey from clouds and fog, but Tyler still smiled. He hid from the weather under Josh’s big umbrella, by his best friend's side. Tyler could breathe freely, no cotton, no water, no shards keeping him from it. He could move all he wanted to without pain. No darkness anywhere to be seen, only Josh’s wide grin right next to him.

  
The sun came back hesitantly over the course of the next few hours, the dark clouds lingering above Tyler's head vanished slowly but surely, meaning the terrible thunder he heard had to be inside his head, never leaving, never quieting down. There never seemed to be enough air around him on these days, his chest moving rapidly in a feeble attempt to fill his lungs with something else than cotton.

  
Josh’s hand gripped Tyler's, never letting go. He breathed for him, he rid Tyler's world of the cold, the dark. He looked at him like his heart would shatter in millions of tiny pieces if Tyler gave up, like he'd feel the same pain Tyler felt now. He didn't want to hurt Josh, so he carried on, every day leaving its mark on his skin, his mind. _Won't you stay alive, I'll take you on a ride. I will make you believe you are lovely._ He'd stay alive for Josh, he'd conquer all of life's ups and downs with him. He wasn't lovely, no matter what the notes wanted to tell him otherwise, but he was strong, stronger than he appeared.

  
The strength left that evening. The floor was uncomfortable and cold and the curtains kept all the remaining light out, but the cotton still found its way in, onto Tyler's skin and into his throat, soothing his thoughts and lulling him to sleep slowly, protecting him, taking his breath away.

  
Sleep. Everything was black and cold, every sense of time lost. Bright images flashed before Tyler's eyes again and again, lighting up the room. Asleep, awake, dead, everything merged as he drifted in and out of consciousness steadily, forgetting the dull throb in his head and the sharp pain shooting through his limbs.

  
Tyler's stomach growled in an angry attempt to get some attention and maybe some breakfast, but he ignored it just as he ignored the pain and the lack of air around him. The rain welcomed him before Josh did, his hands feeling foreign on Tyler's skin, his smile seeming dull and worn out in the grey of the beginning day.

  
Nothing seemed right, even the sun was upsetting today. The darkness lingered, waited until Tyler would least expect it, the cold accompanying him instead. Nothing mattered anymore, nothing there to warm him up, to scare away the cotton, the liquid, the void in his chest. Josh’s hand felt wrong gripping his, his words shallow, his smile fake. A piece of paper lay in a puddle behind them. _Your redemption won't grow stale, we are now just setting sail on the seas of what we fear, treason now is growing near to me._

  
The blinds were closed, the window opened, inviting the dark and the cold inside. The blanket lay discarded on the floor, the shards on the bed and all around him. He didn't care today, he'd never care again. It was all so dull, so grey. No pain there to wake him up, no matter how he tried. No tears to wash away the nothingness. No cotton in his lungs, no liquid, only the void, swallowing everything.

  
The sun seemed so dim, the leaves so grey. The wind, barely there, threatened to blow over the thin figure in the streets, nothing to hold on to. No one there to comfort him, no one there to hurt him. Only the sky and the trees and the darkness. Even the cotton hurried away from him, hiding in the shadows, afraid, afraid of the boy who was afraid of living.

  
No Josh by his side, no hand to hold his, no voice to accompany him through the day, no one encouraging him to eat, no one, no one... No one there, no one cared, no one to tell him all that mattered, no one to hold away the cold. Only a small slip of paper in his pocket. _I'm coming clean, God hit me straight on._ A slip of paper in a dustbin.

  
Hiding. Hiding himself, his feelings, under a thick blanket, hoping to take his breath away, to finally end it, to suffocate his thoughts. The cotton was helping, it was back with him and only him. His only friend to never leave him, always there, always hugging and comforting, warmth engulfing him. Warmth running down his arms, his hands, his fingertips, leaving his body.

  
Josh was sitting on his doorstep again. He caught Tyler when he stumbled and fell on the pavement, he hugged him, hugged away the nothingness, wiped away the tears that had gathered on his face silently. He gripped his hand tightly, too tight. He walked close to him, too close, not close enough. Never close enough. Never quite enough to chase away all the cotton, all the darkness, the cold.

  
Josh didn't leave his side, never let Tyler leave his line of sight, never let go of his hand. He made sure Tyler would eat, would breathe, would live, no matter what it meant for him. He’d always made sure Tyler was happy, but now he wasn't sure that was still possible. He didn't know if he was still strong enough to smile, to stay alive. He could only hope for he best and dread the worst.

  
Nothing meant anything anymore. Everything was dark, cold, grey. Josh’s hand was cold, the world was grey, Tyler's thoughts were dark. The note in his fist was meaningless. _Won't you stay alive, I'll take you on a ride. I will make you believe you are lovely._ The rain was cold, the sky was grey, his perception was dark. His room was dark, the ceiling grey, the blanket cold. Nothing was safe.

  
There was no light anymore, nowhere. No pain there, as much as he wished for it. His vision was blurring at the edges, the warmth dripping from his wrists, the life leaving his body finally, finally. Tyler was floating, flying away, weightless and free. Safe.

  
Josh saw it first, Tyler's escape. He saw him lying on his bed, away from the cold and dark, surrounded by red, only red everywhere. Something inside Josh broke when he saw the smile on Tyler's face, when he felt how cold his best friend was. Hugging wouldn't make the coldness go away this time and there was no one to wipe away Josh’s tears for him, no one to hug him back, to cling onto him like Tyler had used to, now limp in his arms, eyes closed, never to be opened again.

  
The rain poured down onto the grass outside the church like the end of days had come. And for Josh this was very true. Tyler looked so peaceful, so content, lying in there like in a bed, comfortable and warm at last. Hopefully the darkness had left him now. Josh leaned down to press a kiss to his best friend's forehead, staying there for a while. There was a terrible darkness clinging to the edge of his vision, thick liquid surrounding him, making its way into the void in Josh’s chest, pressing all the air out of his lungs until he was nearly suffocating. Tears blurred his vision as he let the small piece of paper fall onto Tyler's chest. _Don't be gone._

 


End file.
